Saturday, March 14, 2009

What I Used to Be....and What I've Become

I used to be a little girl, full of curiosity and wonder. I used to ask why things happen and why they do the things they do, how things work, and thought my parents were true Einsteins. I had friends who like me observed and wondered at the world. I used to look at the youth, high schoolers, college kids, and adults and could not wait be them someday and have others look at me. I used to watch adults drink coffee in local coffee-shops, read the newspaper, check their e-mail in the morning as they drink freshly brewed coffee, and adults make their own choices. I used to dream of being an adult someday, where the decision making was on my own. Then I grew up.

No longer am I the little girl full of curiosity. The world has taught me it is harsh, uncaring, and unloving, yet it has also shown me true friendships, endless laughter, and inseparable bonds. I now am the adult in the coffee-shop chatting with girlfriends and studying. I now am past the high schooler I once strived to be. Now I am the college kid I once looked up to and thought was so brave, so accomplished only to realize I'm scared to death. I'm terrified to grow up. I'm terrified to become any older, marry the right person, and become the mother I long to be. I have realized every decision I make affects me in a positive or negative way- from getting dinner with friends and spending money or declining to go to a party because I have no desire to drink or to get drunk. I have learned that some guys need attention from girls and when they do not receive that, they go on the deep end, back into their old selves they once buried and dig up that grave. I no longer am below 4 feet with straight brown hair that has curls at the end and a big bow believing the world is happy and everyone cares about you. They don't. But the beauty is when you find those people that care deeply enough to cry with you over the death of someone they do not even know, to laugh with you, and to share those triumphs and joys with you, you learn those people are the ones worth every second of your time. Those are the people who will be with you till the end, and those are the people who when you die will visit your grave, mourn, and miss you, unlike the world who claims it is just another number on the death chart. Those are people that when you find them, they will never leave you. Those are also people called your family, and if you have a great one (like me), they will share every joy, tear, and emotion with you along the way.

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