Laying Down at His Feet

Last week, I blogged about my stress and how I just gave everything up to God. Well guess what? He blessed me with more than I could ever imagine! I got a roommate who is a strong Christian and is careful not to cross boundaries with her boyfriend (plus she collects knives and has a black belt- or something like that- how cool?), I've been desperate to read my Bible (and I must say it feels ah-mazing), and I've grown much closer to God. I gave up on my own desires and trying to fix things or just giving them half-way to God. In the end I discovered He could give me more than I could EVER have imagined. 

I just hung up with one of my best friends, Amy. She is one of the strongest Christians I know and we talked for an hour about guys and God. We discussed how we like to know the exact details of things and we are such planners, so it's hard for us to submit our worries 100% to God. We discussed how we so badly want to get married and have kids, that we forget to include God in our plans. I told Amy about the guy I like and we laughed like little kids at some things, but I told her that honestly I feel awful for ever reconsidering my commitment to save my first kiss for my wedding day.

Let's be honest here. When we think about the person we like, most think of holding hands, kissing, sweet little dates, blah blah blah. Sure I think about those, but I feel like I'm cheating my prince out of the deal. Looking back at my successful (not) one relationship I've had, I am so glad I didn't give in and kiss him, because I wanted to hold out for my husband, the man of my dreams. Amy asked me what it I think it would feel like when a guy "captured my heart." I told her that I honestly think it's a joy God puts inside of us when that person consumes our life in a healthy way and we just know that no matter what, he's going to love us and care for us- a genuine person. To be honest, most girls want security in a guy and for him just to love and care for her- nothing else. 

So I'm about to peace out and do laundry, but I felt like I haven't given God enough glory for all He has done for me lately. Trust me, life becomes less stressful when you give it all to God, and even if Satan says otherwise, just pray and have faith He'll bring you through. Because He will.

UGHHHHHH

So I'm about to have a complete breakdown/meltdown/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. I'm tired of people confirming us rooming next year then something happens and plans change. I'm tired of this constant change. I'm tired of waiting around on people to tell me something and plans might change. I wish I could go to the Jonas Brothers concert and had taken and woman up on an offer to buy a ticket from her, but I didn't and now the concert basically sold out. Nothing is available on TicketMaster and everything else is scalped. I'm tired of people not paying attention in Wal Mart and stopping in the middle of the aisle to talk to someone they knew back in the day, holding up everyone else in the city of Ruston, and then 9238439393 minutes later realize, oh there are other people who need to get by. I've completely given the roomie situation to God, and am completely tired of trying to get it on my own. I've just given up all hope and plan on getting my own apartment on-campus, however oh wait there are only 6 of them available. So maybe, just maybe, there will be one for me. And there's the last thing I'm going to just vent on. I'm tired of being the initiator with my best friend. Always always calling her, sending her texts, emails, facebook messages because I want to tell her what is going on. I hate the fact that these people I've met here, who have known me a total of 6 months know more about me than she does now. I know she's busy and I love her to death, but really, make time for your best friend of 19 years. I feel like I've been shoved in the corner of her crazy life and I hate it. She calls at her convenience but never picks up when I call and I know she ignores some of my calls, but really. REALLY. How hard is it to pick up the phone and call?

So last night I had like a 20 minute Bible reading and it was really refreshing, yet I feel like whenever I try to find a roomie on my own I fail. So I'm just trusting God. And I have been told oodles of times to pray about it. My mom told me 5 times in our 10 minute conversation this morning. I think I just need to go home, take a bubble bath, and sip an iced latte slowly while listening to jazz. That will indeed help. Can August 15 please just get here?

Cookies

So the other night I bought some cookie dough at the grocery store on campus, Bytes (intense name, I know). I got back to the room and made plans to bake cookies the next day. Well last night I felt like making some, so I did, however instead of them coming out all golden brown and beautiful, the edges burnt- and now my roommate cannot stop laughing at me. About 5 minutes ago, I got the 2nd round out of the oven, and this time, we had golden brown goodness. Yes, I just dedicated a blog to my cookies, which tasted delicious.

Me...Lately

So since the past few weeks have gained more stress on me, I have turned into a completely different person. I usually welcome people in the dorm room whenever my roommate brings them in, does not mind a friend staying the night, and loves spending time getting to know people. Lately I have misplaced that person. Tonight I have become a grouch, just want things to go my way, and worst of all I have not had my quiet time in weeks. I listen to my worship playlist every day or so, but I have lost that strong connection I had with Christ what seems like ages ago. So here is what my plan is:

1. To have that quiet time beginning tomorrow and try to keep it going every day

2. To get at least my 8 hours of sleep each night, no matter what

3. To do my best at school- I have been a slacker, but the Bible says whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God and not man. It also tells us to do things at our best, as if doing it for the Lord, which I definitely have not been doing.

4. Be more optimistic and become the better person. I also vow not to let stress or my personal issues overcome my usual personality. 

5. I want to become that joyful person I was- the carefree, spontaneous, energetic Sarah instead of the my-way, grouchy, lazy, and selfish Sarah (which I hate). 

That is my goal list. I should add changing the way I eat (tonight I binged for the 5th night in a row), but whenever I say I am going to make that lifestyle change, things change. Maybe I should just say my goal is to eat more (kind of like reverse psychology).

I close this blog apologizing to anyone that has been hurt by this monster lately. I do not know what has gotten hold of me, but I do know that Satan has unfortunately won a battle and has made me into a person I do not like, and I could eventually get even worse. To all my friends: thank you for sticking with me, even when I do not deserve your time, kind words, and interest in my issues, and even more to God, an apology for not spending more time in His word, listening and singing praises to Him, and letting my life determine our time together instead of our time determining my life. 

What I Used to Be....and What I've Become

I used to be a little girl, full of curiosity and wonder. I used to ask why things happen and why they do the things they do, how things work, and thought my parents were true Einsteins. I had friends who like me observed and wondered at the world. I used to look at the youth, high schoolers, college kids, and adults and could not wait be them someday and have others look at me. I used to watch adults drink coffee in local coffee-shops, read the newspaper, check their e-mail in the morning as they drink freshly brewed coffee, and adults make their own choices. I used to dream of being an adult someday, where the decision making was on my own. Then I grew up.

No longer am I the little girl full of curiosity. The world has taught me it is harsh, uncaring, and unloving, yet it has also shown me true friendships, endless laughter, and inseparable bonds. I now am the adult in the coffee-shop chatting with girlfriends and studying. I now am past the high schooler I once strived to be. Now I am the college kid I once looked up to and thought was so brave, so accomplished only to realize I'm scared to death. I'm terrified to grow up. I'm terrified to become any older, marry the right person, and become the mother I long to be. I have realized every decision I make affects me in a positive or negative way- from getting dinner with friends and spending money or declining to go to a party because I have no desire to drink or to get drunk. I have learned that some guys need attention from girls and when they do not receive that, they go on the deep end, back into their old selves they once buried and dig up that grave. I no longer am below 4 feet with straight brown hair that has curls at the end and a big bow believing the world is happy and everyone cares about you. They don't. But the beauty is when you find those people that care deeply enough to cry with you over the death of someone they do not even know, to laugh with you, and to share those triumphs and joys with you, you learn those people are the ones worth every second of your time. Those are the people who will be with you till the end, and those are the people who when you die will visit your grave, mourn, and miss you, unlike the world who claims it is just another number on the death chart. Those are people that when you find them, they will never leave you. Those are also people called your family, and if you have a great one (like me), they will share every joy, tear, and emotion with you along the way.

Jonas...Continued

So my Jonas obsession has continued...oh yes it has! When I got back to college Tuesday, my friend Lauren and I got our books and school stuff then headed back to her house. When we got there, we watched Ellen and hung out until a bright idea came up...why not see the Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Series again? We loved the movie the first time, and wished for the magic again. Lauren and I went to a movie theatre in a larger city about 40 minutes away and bought tickets for Fired Up (why pay $15 when we could pay more than half to sneak in?) and snuck in the show, resulting in two college girls in a theatre alone with the men of our dreams on film in front of us. Being the typical children-at-heart we are, we opted to dance- not in our chairs, oh no, everywhere in that theatre! When the final song, "Burnin' Up" came on, we rose from our seats and jammed, since we knew by then we would not get caught for sneaking in there. 

So back to the point of this story. Jonas announced their upcoming world tour yesterday and they are coming to New Orleans, my hometown! I was ecstatic and texted, called, and facebooked Lauren immediately (sad, yes I know). So Lauren and I have these grand plans of sitting towards the front at the Arena and scream like little girls at this concert. Honestly, I cannot wait to fulfill this new dream of mine, and better yet, the concert is 9 days before my birthday, which is even better since I told my parents that is all I want- nothing else- just my concert ticket to go see Jonas Brothers with my friends. So I'm ending this entry with a magical feeling in my heart like that of an 8-year-old. And the sad thing is, I don't care :)